Desperate (but not serious)

Finding my mojo post injury has been a struggle.  I have put on some pounds and honestly, workouts that I previously did now make me nervous.  I swing between being at peace with being slow, steady and coming back with better form to being in despair about the strength that I have lost.  I flip back and forth between just eating whole nourishing food and scrambling for a tight, restrictive plan to get my eating back on track.  I have gone through the whole "its not fair" blame game - totally playing the victim role.  In deep anxiety about my expanding waist line, I have been desperate to find THE plan that will solve everything - make me lean, make it easy to turn down wine or chocolate, make me never struggle with food again.   Magic pill anyone? :)  And this is coming from some one who has consulted with nutritionists for years,  bought countless plans from various trainers and holds two nutrition certifications herself.  ha!

Then through some journaling and listening to some pretty wise people, I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes "The struggle is what teaches".   So apparently, I still have lots of learning to do in this area.  (yay learning!!)

Here is what my struggle has been teaching:
1) Holy crap! When you are struggling and fighting with something so hard, take a damn minute, slow down and figure out what you need to learn here.  Its much better than wallowing in that particular emotion.

2) I am choosing to be in victim mode. I can also choose to change my attitude.  Being a little plumper is hard? Bitch please. Losing some one you love is hard.  Dealing with a terminal illness is hard.  Living with my jeans being a little snugger after not working out for almost two months when I have a healthy body, a beautiful family, amazing friends and an in general dreamy life? I think I will be ok.

3) My search for the next plan that would solve all my problems is focusing on controlling the food and not with all the other stuff that is going on.  I can't do weight loss from a control stand point for very long. The harder I fight to control the more I break and binge big time.  Making choices daily, minute by minute, that come from a place of love and self-acceptance? Now THAT can get me some where.


Upon reflection, I think my mojo is back post injury.  It just looks and feels different than it did before so I guess I didn't recognize it.   I am spending time doing workouts that bring me joy. I get filled with joy in nourishing my body. Every thing else will settle out. While I feel better personally being a little leaner, I am not a better person because I am leaner. I am me at any weight or body fat percentage.  And that is cool with me.